All the Questions
I’m going to share with you all of the questions swirling around in my mind. Heh, this probably isn’t all of them, but as many as I could get out at one time, anyway.
What will it be like when he touches me, kisses me? What will I feel?
What if I don’t feel “love” when we meet?
What if he doesn’t feel “love” when we meet?
What is it going to be like living in the same space as another man who is not my relative, all by ourselves?
What on earth is he going to do when I am at work?
What is he going to expect from me when I come home, or in the mornings before I leave?
Will he enjoy doing the same things I do?
Will he be open to learning how to cook and will he be any good at it?
When should I put my foot down and when should I compromise?
Will he be able to read me even more easily in person and how will I handle sharing absolutely everything?
Is he going to think there is something wrong if we don’t conceive right away?
How often will we speak with the family back home and what will they ask of us?
How long will mum be able to handle having her son away and how will we deal with it when she cries?
What if he gets sick or injured or I do?
How will we both handle compromise?
Will we communicate as well in person as over the phone and in email/chat?
How is he going to handle me being on my period?
Is he really going to follow me everywhere and am I ok with that?
How will we handle socializing with my American friends who are not religious?
How will I handle him being mad or upset with me?
These are a lot of the questions circling around in my mind. We have talked about a lot of it, but you know, the proof is in the pudding; we won’t really know the answers until we are faced with the situation. I love him and don’t ave any question as to whether he loves me. It is clear always. But I feel like with all of the similarities in personality we have, I’m probably blind to the cultural differences that influence us right now and may be in for a shock soon. Maybe I’m still in the too-good-to-be-true phase? I think a little perhaps.
And when I am not worrying myself over these questions, I’m wondering what it is going to be like to have a mother again. I started to write a post on those feelings last night, but got too choked up in the middle of it to go on. I haven’t had a mother for more than 16 years now, so I didn’t grow-up with one. I have no idea what or how to communicate or what to expect or if maybe I will expect too much from her and that will become a burden to us both.
I must admit that I feel incredibly small right now. Too small to handle all of this by myself. I’ve been asking God to give me the strength to face these challenges and build a strong partnership with my husband and new family. All I can do is pray. Last night I broke down in overwhelming gratefulness for what God has given me again that I haven’t had in so many years; a family.