SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!
So tomorrow I’ll be giving a speech at my Toastmasters International meeting. I’m full of nerves! As if speaking publicly didn’t carry enough fear, I’ve decided to share personal information which is something I rarely do and feel awkward doing even with friends. I thought I’d share my speech here. Maybe it will take away a little of the anxiety…
“As my wedding day fast approaches, I find myself looking to Homeland Security’s former color-coded terrorism threat advisory scale as a means to help me gauge the level of fear I should be feeling. What can I say, I’m a sucker for color-coded charts! So, to properly estimate the threat level, let us begin by examining the risk factors:
It’s said that, “Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.” And that “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” So we have risk factor number one, the groom. He’s an intelligent enemy with an uncanny ability to read my thoughts. By the looks of him you’d never know how much power this man holds. But it is very important not to underestimate the abilities of your soulmate. One day my heart was empt, then, within the blink of an eye, it was full! Yup, that crafty sonofagun snuck right in. For this one, we’re gonna have to go with red. Severe risk. He scares the hell outta me.
Now, risk factor number two, my mother in law. This risk comes with its own unique set of weapons that due to time and circumstance have the possibility of coming in waves of attacks. She’s in another country and we share only part of a language. Taking into account what her son has told me of her, the brief conversations we have had, the fact that he chose me and she didn’t object, and my deep admiration for her I’m going to have to put this one at threat level yellow for now. I know you’re thinking, “Noelle, are sure that’s wise? Mother in-laws are dangerous animals!” But there are two things really working in my favor here: One, distance. Twelve and a half thousand miles gives me several hours to prepare for a strike. Two, I have a hostage; her son.
Risk factor number three is Time itself. Two and a half months ago I thought, “Oh I have months!” and thereby was lulled into a false sense of security. Time is relentless and unstoppable; the universe’s freight train of change. It’s either with you or against you and you never know which mood it’s going to be in. I have the bad habit of too often thinking I have more of it than I really do. With just a scant three weeks until what I am calling “M Day”, I am putting Time at threat level Red. Not only its threat severe, but inevitable!
Red. Orange. Red. It doesn’t look good, folks. I mean, just look at its acronym: ROR. RAWR! Like an angry beast! That’s a heck of a threat level. I’m not even sure what to do with it, such is my level of fear that it has paralyzed my senses! Marriage has calmly walked up to me, smacked me in the forehead, and left me stunned and amazed. All I can see are the pretty colors.”
Sigh. I think I already have “death hands”. You know, when they go cold and numb on you?